What Not To Say In Marriage Counseling?

Marriage counseling is a valuable tool for couples who want to improve their relationship, resolve conflicts, or reconnect emotionally. However, like any form of communication, marriage counseling requires careful consideration of what is said—and how it’s said. 

The goal of counseling is to foster open, honest, and constructive dialogue. But certain statements, no matter how unintended, can undermine this process and cause further damage to the relationship. 

Whether out of frustration, anger, or emotional pain, saying the wrong thing in counseling can lead to hurt feelings, defensiveness, or even a breakdown in communication.

It’s important to remember that marriage counseling is not about winning an argument or assigning blame. Rather, it’s about learning to communicate in ways that build trust, understanding, and empathy between partners. 

By avoiding certain negative or destructive phrases, you can make your counseling sessions more productive and create a space where both you and your partner feel safe and heard.

This article will explore what not to say in marriage counseling, highlighting common pitfalls that can stall progress and hurt your relationship. 

Understanding these traps will help you approach counseling with a more thoughtful and constructive mindset, making your sessions more effective and conducive to positive change.

“You Always” or “You Never” Statements

One of the most common mistakes couples make in marriage counseling is using absolutes like “You always” or “You never” when describing their partner’s behavior. 

These statements are problematic because they exaggerate the issue and can make your partner feel attacked or unfairly criticized. 

When you say, “You always ignore me” or “You never listen,” you’re likely to put your partner on the defensive, which shuts down meaningful communication and makes it harder to reach a resolution.

Such blanket statements are rarely accurate. No one always or never does something, and by framing your partner’s behavior in such extreme terms, you overlook the instances where they might have acted differently. 

This approach can make your partner feel dismissed and unappreciated, even if they’ve made efforts to improve. Rather than facilitating understanding, these phrases create a divide, making your partner less likely to engage openly in the conversation.

Instead of using absolutes, try focusing on specific behaviors or instances that have caused frustration. For example, instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” you could say, “I felt overwhelmed last week when I had to handle all the chores by myself.” 

This shifts the conversation from blame to expressing your feelings, which fosters a more constructive and empathetic discussion.

Bringing Up the Past

Marriage counseling is about addressing current issues and moving forward, but one common mistake is bringing up past conflicts or mistakes repeatedly. 

While it’s important to address long-standing issues that may still be affecting the relationship, constantly bringing up past grievances during counseling sessions can derail progress. 

When you repeatedly revisit past arguments or mistakes, it keeps both partners stuck in a cycle of blame and resentment, preventing the couple from focusing on solutions in the present.

Dragging up the past can also make your partner feel like they’re being punished for old mistakes, even if those issues have been previously addressed or resolved. 

This can create feelings of frustration and helplessness, as your partner may feel like nothing they do will ever be enough to move past those old conflicts. 

Additionally, constantly referencing the past often leads to defensiveness, as your partner may feel the need to justify their past actions rather than focus on resolving the current problem.

To avoid this pitfall, focus on the present and future during counseling sessions. If past events are relevant, discuss them briefly but with the intent of learning from them and moving forward, rather than rehashing old arguments. 

For example, you might say, “I know we’ve had issues with trust in the past, but I’d like us to focus on how we can rebuild trust moving forward.” 

This approach keeps the conversation productive and forward-thinking, allowing both partners to feel more hopeful about the future of the relationship.

Blaming the Counselor

Another thing to avoid in marriage counseling is shifting the blame onto the counselor when you feel uncomfortable or defensive during a session. 

It’s common for counseling sessions to bring up difficult emotions or challenge your perspective, but blaming the therapist for feeling uncomfortable or for the lack of progress can undermine the entire process. 

Statements like “This isn’t working because you’re not understanding me” or “You’re taking their side” can create a hostile environment in therapy and make it difficult for the counselor to facilitate constructive conversations.

It’s important to remember that marriage counselors are neutral facilitators whose role is to help guide both partners toward understanding and resolution. If you feel misunderstood or that the session isn’t going as you hoped, it’s better to express that constructively rather than assigning blame. For example, you can say, “I’m having trouble explaining my feelings clearly” or “I’d like more clarity on what we’re focusing on today.” This keeps the conversation open and allows the therapist to adjust their approach to meet your needs without feeling attacked.

Blaming the counselor can also cause your partner to shut down. If they sense that the session is becoming about criticizing the therapist rather than working on the relationship, they may feel that the process is no longer productive. 

Instead, approach counseling with a mindset of collaboration, where both you and your partner are working together with the therapist to find solutions. This will keep the sessions on track and more beneficial for both of you.

Threatening Divorce or Separation

Threatening divorce or separation during marriage counseling is one of the most damaging things you can say. Not only does it escalate conflict, but it also creates an atmosphere of fear and instability that makes it nearly impossible for constructive dialogue to take place. 

When you use threats like “If you don’t change, I’m leaving” or “I don’t even know why we’re still together,” you undermine the purpose of counseling, which is to work through issues and find common ground. 

These statements shut down any possibility of progress and can cause irreparable harm to the relationship.

Even if you feel overwhelmed or frustrated during the session, it’s crucial to avoid issuing ultimatums. 

Threats of divorce or separation can create a power imbalance in the relationship, making your partner feel coerced or cornered into changing out of fear rather than genuine understanding. 

This type of communication also causes deep emotional wounds, as it signals that you’re not fully committed to working through the issues, which can lead your partner to question the viability of the relationship altogether.

If you’re genuinely considering divorce or separation, it’s important to discuss those feelings calmly and respectfully outside of the heat of the moment. 

Marriage counseling is meant to be a safe space for exploring the problems in your relationship, but if divorce is on the table, it should be approached as a serious, thoughtful conversation rather than a threat. 

Maintaining a focus on healing and improving the relationship will give both partners a fair chance to resolve their issues and rebuild trust.

Saying Nothing at All

While it might seem counterintuitive, saying nothing at all can be just as harmful as saying the wrong thing in marriage counseling. Silence often signals emotional withdrawal, frustration, or avoidance, all of which can prevent meaningful progress in therapy. 

When one partner consistently refuses to participate in the conversation, it sends a message that they’re not invested in the process or that they’re unwilling to engage in solving the relationship’s problems. 

This can lead to increased resentment and feelings of isolation from the other partner, who may feel like they’re carrying the emotional burden of the relationship alone.

There are many reasons why someone might shut down during marriage counseling. They might feel overwhelmed by emotions, unsure of how to articulate their feelings, or simply afraid of confrontation. 

However, silence can create more problems than it solves. Avoiding difficult conversations may offer temporary relief, but it prevents healing and resolution in the long term. 

Counseling is a space where both partners should feel safe to express their feelings, even if it’s uncomfortable at times.

If you find yourself shutting down in counseling sessions, it’s important to acknowledge this and work with the therapist to find ways to re-engage. 

Even starting with small statements like, “I’m struggling to talk right now” or “I’m feeling overwhelmed” can help break the silence and open up the dialogue. 

Being honest about your emotions and why you’re finding it difficult to speak can also give your therapist insight into how to better support you in the sessions.

Conclusion

Marriage counseling can be a transformative experience for couples who are committed to improving their relationship, but it requires thoughtful communication and a willingness to engage openly. Knowing what not to say in marriage counseling is just as important as knowing what to say. 

Avoiding statements like “You always” or “You never,” steering clear of bringing up the past, and refraining from threats of divorce or silence can help make your sessions more productive. 

It’s essential to approach counseling with a mindset of collaboration and understanding, rather than defensiveness or blame.

By focusing on expressing your feelings clearly, without accusations or ultimatums, you create a more constructive environment for healing and growth. Marriage counseling is a process that takes time, patience, and effort from both partners. 

With the right approach and by avoiding common communication pitfalls, you can make meaningful progress toward a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.